Story and images captured by Jenn Lin © 2022 All Rights Reserved. The contributor has chosen to remain Anonymous.

“I got rejected by adoption agencies multiple times because of my occupation: registered nurse. The second reason they would reject me is because I was a first-time pet owner. Agencies in Canada were getting a lot of their pets returned to them once people went back to work after COVID. I assured them I wouldn’t do that. I always wanted a dog, and spending the last 2 years of my life in rehab made me want to get a dog more than ever. Because I thought, what else do I want to do in life? I’m pushing it. What if I got into another car accident and what if I’m not even able to walk a dog anymore? I stopped working 12-hr days and was focusing on getting my stamina back.

9 months later, an agency in the States called Throw A Dog A Bone Rescue contacted me. They said, ‘We have a dog, but the dog is very skittish…’ I said, ‘Well, that’s fine, we will both work it out with this new parenting thing. I will attend counselling and pet training — whatever you need me to do.’ They said, ‘The dog has very low self-confidence and he’s actually in a kill shelter. He’s 4-months old. Nobody adopted him because he doesn’t open up and doesn’t let anyone even touch him. He just doesn’t want to bond with anybody.’ I told them, ‘That’s OK. I think you should give me a chance. I think I want to give this dog a chance too. I feel like we both need that. Maybe it’s OK if I don’t know what I’m doing. Maybe it’s OK if the dog doesn’t know what he’s doing. We’ll figure it out.’

The agency told me there would be a transport truck coming to Arlington airport in March. I asked if they could hold off until April because that’s when the COVID restrictions were going to lift. They said, ‘No, he’s due to be killed. It can’t wait a month.’ And so I thought, you know what, that’s OK. I got this. At that time, I was still really scared of driving. I thought, I’ll work on my driving stuff, and then I’ll go. I’ll pick him up. My best friend of 13 years was supposed to accompany me, but she bailed last minute. I was like, ‘Hey, you can’t do that. Two days before. You know I’m really anxious about driving.’ I even told her that I would drive and all she had to do was be there for comfort, you know? After she bailed, I cut ties with her. I thought, I don’t need anybody. F**k everyone. All I want is to go get my dog. …

My ex was still reaching out to check up on how I was doing with rehab. So I asked, ‘Hey, do you want to go to the States with me? Because I still blame you for a lot of things. I blame you for not being able to drive with confidence.’ He was driving when the accident happened, but I was the one who ended up in rehab. He asked me if this was the last thing I wanted him to do for me. I said, ‘Yeah, just sit there, don’t talk to me. We’re broken up. We’re not together. We’re just going to drive to the States and if anything happens to me while I’m driving or whatever, just be there. Take over the wheel. Be my safety person.’ He did that for me. No matter how many bad memories I have of him, I think about that, and go, maybe he’s a good person. He just didn’t want kids, you know?

We picked up Milo on March 20, 2022. I have this puppy video of him, and he’s filled with poop. It’s my first time having a dog and there’s literally poop all over him. The agent walked over and said, ‘This is your puppy.’ I’m like, ‘This is my puppy?’ He’s covered with poop and he’s clinging to me, and his ears are down, all floppy. All my clothes are covered with poop, and he stinks. My ex boyfriend in the car freaks and says, ‘The car is gonna smell!’ And I go, ‘I know! I know! But OK, you drive, we’re gonna go to a grooming place.’

It was 5 o’clock in the evening by then. All the grooming places were closed. There was one that was willing to open up and let us use the bathtub if I bathed Milo myself. It was my first time bathing a puppy. Like, god, how, how do I get all this poop out of his paws? It’s everywhere! My ex boyfriend was just watching me, going, ‘I’m not touching the poop,’ you know? But I’m ok with poop because I deal with blood. Smells a lot, but that’s OK. I kept on calling him Milo and singing to him while showering him. The agency had given him a different name, but I kept calling him Milo, over and over. His ears quickly began to perk up whenever we said his new name.

I noticed that a month after getting Milo, he started getting very protective. We went to three different dog daycares and we got kicked out, because any time a big dog would come towards me, Milo would lose it. Milo wouldn’t have it with any of the dogs at training, either. Found out I was pregnant. That’s why Milo was guarding me all this time. …

The car accident took away a lot from me. It took away my confidence. I can’t hike anymore. I used to run. I was a really good runner. I didn’t have a choice with what happened with the car accident, whereas, keeping the baby was a choice that I could make. In the end, it was a really hard decision. I really wanted to keep it, I did. But I couldn’t, because the child would grow up without a father, you know? …

I am grateful that on the day of my abortion appointment, I had a friend take care of me and get me home safe. When I ran into a complication with the abortion and had to be re-admitted, that’s when I seriously thought that I didn’t want to live. I did something very horrible. I love children, and I never saw myself doing this but I couldn’t keep it. I couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t do that to the child.

I never thought that life would get this hard. I didn’t want to live anymore after the abortion, but I realized that for Milo, I had to live, because I signed up for this commitment. The worst part is my family members couldn’t visit me because this all happened during COVID. My dearest friend was very sick also and needed an emergency blood transfusion at the time, so she couldn’t accompany me to the appointment. I went through a lot of counselling to cope with the loss. …

After that, I just decided to move forward and focus on Milo. He still lays on my stomach sometimes, where my stitches are, from the car accident. He knows I am sensitive about that part of my body. … You could say that I saved him, but he also saved me. He taught me how to take care of myself again by taking care of him. Literally, he doesn’t do anything. But he does do a lot of things, in a way. The way he walks, the way he smiles, the way he looks at you. It makes you think, huh, maybe life is worth living. It’s not that bad.”

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